I Am Asian American.

I am Asian.  I prefer eating with chopsticks over forks and knives, even though the chopsticks skills are pseudo poor.  I am Asian, and I secretly love the fishy, herby smell that overtakes my senses as I walk into an Asian farmer's market. I am Cantonese Chinese to be exact, and my parents are from Hong Kong, one of the greatest cities with the greatest food.  I am Chinese, but I don't see myself in the same standard of intelligence and merit as our culture is stereotyped to have. I actually have to work hard to succeed and I really suck at math.

I am American.  I was born in New York City.   I love New York pizza, Jersey bagels, and netflix (actual chilling included).  English is my first language.  My favorite show is Friends and I spend unhealthy amounts of hours at local cafes. My family loves listening to The Eagles and Simon & Garfunkel and we have festive family barbeques on the Fourth of July.

Sometimes people think I'm too Asian.  Too Asian for my culture's food to be considered socially acceptable, too Asian when I hang around mobs of other Asians, too Asian when someone sees me studying or working, as if students don't usually do that.

Sometimes people think I'm too American.  Too American when I'm unable to speak Chinese fluently, too "whitewashed" when I voice that I'm not really into Asian pop culture, too "twinkie" when I hang around caucasians and called a "cool Asian" as if that is a reward for not being a "regular Asian".

Sometimes I feel stuck, not because of the actions or words of other people, but of the constructs that have become socially embedded in me.

Why do I get offended when someone thinks I'm an international student? Why does my self-esteem rise when I'm called a "cool Asian"?  Why do I feel so out of place when I'm perceived as the "whitest one" in a group of Asians, and the "token Asian" in a group of other races? Why am I ashamed to be Asian and why am I ashamed to be American? Why do I automatically believe I am inferior to socially superior races?

Why do I feel the need to change my personality, to please certain people, to conform to one culture over the other, to feel better or worse about myself solely because of the color of my skin?

But I am Asian and I am American; I am not too Asian or too American, and even if I leaned more towards one culture over the other, it wouldn't make me any more or any less valued as a human being.  I have to believe that my whole being, from the color of my skin, to the depths of my heritage, is beautifully and wonderfully created in this image for a reason.   I must remember that I am so incredibly proud of the culture of my ancestors, as I am privileged to be called a citizen of the home of the brave.  I have to understand that there is so much value and beauty in intertwining two cultures, and further being able to embrace the diversity of the community around me.

I stand by my race, my narrative, as well as every other human being's, of all beautiful color and culture.

I must remember to love who I am,  and surely hope you remember to love yourself too.


Live well & spread the love,
for the praise of His glory,
XOXO Gracie