It took a while to realize the world in fact did not revolve around me. I don't have the power to have life go completely my way, and I've accepted that, of course.
God is faithful. Yes, I know. He does all things well. I believe that. Everything happens for a reason. I hope they're good reasons.
I think God definitely has a way of getting to your gut. As strong as you are on the outside, God knows the greatest weakness deep down. He knows the things that will crush your heart. He knows what true suffering is. For me, that's the fear of losing my parents. Their commute is on the glamorous path train, hitting up the great big apple. It has always been routine, but lately, I've been finding myself drawn to the headlines and media splurges about threats upon the great city, threats made by some really hateful and arrogant people.
It really, really wrecks me. Firstly because I can't comprehend why such people exist, and secondly, my parents are plunged in a heap of pure danger, and I can't do anything about it.
"Daddy, please don't go to work. Now, I know that's not my choice or anything, but just like, take a day off, eat some good 'ole breakfast at home, you know?" Because maybe if your daughter pleaded enough, you would stay safe and sound at home, where no one could hurt you and no one could take you away from me.
"Mum, we could take the car to the city. Yes, I am aware that it makes things harder. Yes, I understand, but I'm not feeling the subway today." I just don't want to lose you.
I remember talking to my mom on a train ride home, after I brought up the fact that there were many military soldiers bordering the 33rd St. Station with machine guns and camouflage uniforms. We talked about it for a while until my mom offered a piece of herself.
"You know, I've always had the fear of going to work, and not being able to come home."
It's so simple. All we ever want, all we ever really need, is to come home. To breathe in this refreshing air of comfort. To work a mighty hard, long day and finally be able to relax and enjoy the things that really matter.
I need my parents to come home. I need to see the blue Honda CRV pull up on the driveway. I need them to turn the knob and pop the door open. I need the dog to run and chase them and greet them happily. I need them to march into the living room and tell us how pooped they are, and how good a bath would be right now. I need them to yell at my little brother for not finishing his homework on time. I need them to be there, for everything. And to do that, they must come home.
Having the faith to believe everything will be okay is one of the hardest things anyone can do. Because let's face it. Things won't be okay. There will be days I am so scared and so mad and so torn that I'll question everything and everyone. Because how is this fair? What do I do when God decides to take them home?
"It's hard to avoid it. You never know when and where and if God has a plan for anyone of us to go home; there's nothing else we can do. No matter what, we will always praise Him."
Reading my mom's reply to my email pleading for them to stay home, she gave me the answer I couldn't bare to hear. It punctured me, hit me straight in the gut. I really am scared. And any time I think about it or have just one little idea of "what if they can't come home", I can't help but feel helpless.
But being in this brokeness, in this state of pure weakness, in which I can't do anything to save anyone, I can only lift my hands to surrender and give it all to Him. I don't have the power or authority to erase all the terrible things of this world, but through Him, the highest power of all creation, He will make a way. As much as it hurts, as much as it pains me to think that one day, my parents won't come home, I know that they will be going to a place much bigger and better and beautiful and perfect.
They will be home.
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